Uncle Raymond Interviews... Rita Repulsa

Halo, Miss Rita. How are you? Ah! After 10,000 years, I’m free. It’s time to conquer Earth!

Free? Free from what ah? How dare you know nothing about me, human! I was sealed in a dumpster for nearly 10,000 years. A bunch of dumb astronauts came across the container I was in and unknowingly broke the seal that kept my delightful evilness away and released me from my prison! Then, I had my sights on Earth. Why you may ask? Simple. It was the first planet I saw upon being released.

I never ask also. You were stuck in a tong sampah for 10,000 years? What did you eat in there? You do all your… your toilet job in there also? Quite filthy lor, you. What’s a tong sa… never mind. That’s for me and the show’s writers to know. Can we focus on me and my evilness?

Ok, ok can. Now you got a new movie coming out. Why instead of looking like my Aunty Yen, you look ang-moh now? Who is your surgeon? … I guess it’s a modern reimagining of my character. I’ve even got a new outfit on in the upcoming movie if you noticed.

Yaaa! I saw. Last time you look like Nicki Minaj a bit. Where is your cone bra? Your hairstyle also new. Outfit suddenly green. There are some speculations to the whole me being green thing, and it isn’t because I’ve turned vegan. What if I told you that I could have possibly, at one point in the past, been a Power Ranger myself?!

Then I will say you’re going to make a lot of old Power Rangers fans angry. The show got a lot of fans here, you know? Even though the government banned the word “MORPHIN’” from the show. They what now…?

Yeah, the local government thought that if kids listened to the theme song ah, and then hear the word “morphine”, they will all become addicted to morphine. … And I thought I was evil.

Yeah lah. Anyway, what you like doing in your free time? I enjoy using my wand to make my monsters grow in hopes of destroying Earth.

What was your favourite monster? I thought they always fail wan? For the most part, yes… but if I can say so myself I thought my whole Green Ranger scheme was rather clever and caused some damage! Typical of you media people to only focus on the negative. Why no mention of my brainwashing abilities? Besides Tommy, remember Katherine? And how about Alpha 5?!

Not bad la you. Okay, so Tommy, the green fella was one of the best times of your career. But then he also became good. So, more headache for you mah, right? Your boss was okay with all your failures ah? His name’s Lord Zedd. And no, obviously, he wasn’t happy. That prick declared me a failure and sealed me in a dumpster… again. What is it with people and sealing me in dumpsters?! And how did you know about my constant headaches?

Everyone knows lah. Panadol should hire you as their ambassador. Maybe they’re trying to say you’re trash? I could kill you, you know?

Please do. They don’t pay me enough for these interviews. Ok, ok, so you were floating in space again, then what happened? I, as always, came up with an ingenious plan with the help of my loyal servant, Finster. We came up with a love potion! I used it on Zedd’s ass, he fell in love with me, we got married and formed an evil alliance to destroy those pesky Rangers for good and conquer Earth!

Wah, you married your boss. So, did that work out? You finally destroyed the Power Rangers, the botak man in a tube and conquered Earth? Botak?

Bald. No hair. That Zorro fella. Zordon… and no. That noble ass sacrificed his life to let some “good energy” wash over the universe and purify it of evil. That wave hurt! And it destroyed my army and left Zedd and I alive as humans. Humans! Can you believe the insult!?

That’s bad. For you lah, not Earth. So, you no more powers after that? What did you do? I regained my powers, but only eight years later. And I think by that time, all that icky “good energy” took its toll on me. I… believe it or not, became good. But I didn’t want people to find out so I took on a new name and became the Empress of Good Magic and leader of the Mystic Ones.

Ok, I dunno what you talking about now. What new name? Mystic Mother.

That’s kinda lame lah. I think Rita Repulsa was a nicer name. You know this is damn confusing, right? First evil, then good, first Nicki Minaj, now ex-Green Ranger. Tell me about it, old man. Just go watch the new movie, even I don’t know what the Hell’s going on.

Ok lah, I got to go. Thanks for the interview and I hope you have lesser headaches. Get lost!