Lifestyle
Not-So-Pro Tips with Bob the Bomoh
Meet Bob. He’s a bomoh. In his free time, he likes holding stuff up high with both hands, often in hopes of things you know for certain won’t come true. He also enjoys dishing out some advice that may not necessarily be of any use. Or are they...? You decide. Here are some:
1. DON'T POOP IN MALLS!
When planning on taking a dump at a mall, just don’t do it. Hold it in and let the fumes slowly seep out, it’s a better option than getting coagulated piss on your butt cheeks. If it does come to a point where you simply have no choice, make sure that you squat on the toilet seat while downloading some brown-ware.
2. BRING YOUR KIDS TO PG18 MOVIES
When you’re in the cinema, make it a point to bring your toddlers. According to research that has yet to be conducted, it is vital that kids between the age of 1-3 be exposed to films like Birdman and Deadpool to help in their conversational skills and to also pick up useful moral values from such movies.
Image: @fairygirl1975, Twitter
3. MANHANDLE THOSE TOMATOES
When you’re purchasing tomatoes, squeeze it as much as you can to make sure it’s ripe and juicy before choosing the tomato of destiny. Leave the bruised and beaten rejects for the next person. It will serve as a warning sign and that person will be thankful.
4. FIND A PARKING SPOT ALL THE TIME
When looking for a parking lot in a mall, look out for the ones marked with a stick figure on what seems to be a strange-looking toilet bowl. Be warned though, these are especially reserved only for people who use a sitting toilet and not those freaks who use squatting ones. Yeah, go get regular spots you monsters.
Be like this guy! (Original Image: petpositive.blogspot.com)
5. GET A TATTOO OF YOUR PARTNER'S NAME
Running out of ideas for Valentine’s Day with your significant other of one year? Get his or her name tattooed on you. It’s the sure way to have a lasting relationship (laser surgery is expensive) and also prevents you from forgetting your partner’s name.
Sarahcha must be a real nice gal. (Image: Imgur)
6. ONLY LOUD PEOPLE WIN
Having an argument with your significant other? Remember, it’s always important to win and the best way to do this is by constantly raising your voice (so it’s consistently louder than his/hers) so your message is delivered clearly. Always have a plate or something that can shatter nearby at ready too in case you may need to throw it on a wall to better illustrate your point. 
7. SWERVE FIRST, INDICATE LATER
While on the road, always turn on your indicator after you’ve swerved to your desired side of the road. Honking may follow but this is merely a form of acknowledgment and praise for your highly skilled driving. You may choose to respond by jamming on the brakes which is the polite thing to do.
You can't hear the honks of gratitude, but we assure you they're there. (GIF: gifbin.com)
8. THE FASTER AND HARDER YOU PUSH, THE SOONER THEY'LL IT'LL COME
Getting tired of waiting for that elevator?Try pushing the call button repeatedly because that’s how you make the elevator come faster. That sounded rather kinky. Once you have successfully entered the elevator, quickly press the ‘close’ button before someone else comes in, because that’s how you get germs. And you don’t want germs.
Keep doing this until the elevator arrives. (GIF: rantlifestyle.com
9. VALIDATE YOUR EXISTENCE AND WORTH THROUGH 'LIKES' AND FOLLOWERS
To get your required daily dose of self-esteem boost via ‘likes’, post a minimum of three posts per day on Instagram. Ideally consisting of one selfie, what you had for lunch and a motivational quote with nothing less than 25 hashtags each. Use hashtags like #followforfollow and #likeforlike for better results.
10. INVITE PEOPLE YOU DON'T KNOW TO YOUR WEDDING
Planning a wedding? Make sure you spend at least five months’ worth of your salary on your big day and more importantly, send out invitations to people you’ve never met like your dad’s neighbour from 1979 and that grand aunt who carried you (once) for a whole 8 minutes when you were 3 and can’t remember your name. How these particular people perceive you is of utmost importance.
11. AD-BLOCKERS WILL GIVE YOU A DRY SPELL
Avoid installing an ad-blocker for your web browser. Based on experience, your level of attractiveness will drastically reduce and single girls in your area will start to lose interest in you.
This is Tom. Tom has no ad-blockers installed. Girls around the area want to meet him. Be like Tom. (Image: imgur)
12. PLACE OVERHEATING MODEMS IN YOUR FRIDGE
If your Internet speed has suddenly slowed down, it could possibly because of your modem overheating. Place it in the fridge for (approximately) 37 minutes and you should be able to resume that important research piece on Maria Ozawa in no time.
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