This tongue-in-cheek list reveals 13 facets of our food squad.
Even this baby has some character:
1. The Warehouse Belly
A true-blue bottomless pit! While you’re working your way pass your chicken, this diner has polished the bone clean and is about to barrel through his second or third dish. Pretty helpful too as they commonly lend a helping hand to those struggling to finish their food. Surprisingly, most of such mutants are usually the skinniest in the group. Hate these people!
2. The Health Nut
Commonly those buddies hitting the gym or part of any health-oriented programmes. Good for them but they scare us to death! Conversations would be much comfortable if it was something like this - “Bruh, balance your meal with more greens and grilled poultry.” But that’s never the case. We usually hear - “Eat more sugar-laden food lah, diabetes at traffic light already, any time lah for you!” Some even bring maths to the table. “You ate around 800 calories today, so you must do 100 push ups, 1 hour of running, and 30 squats.”
And if he or she is a non-meat eater, be prepared to be chocked with guilt!
3. Doctor Strange
A unique species. Whet up their appetite with a dozen satay sticks, followed by nasi lemak with extra rice and deep-fried chicken, a pile of ais kacang and finally, their silver bullet for a healthy lifestyle is a single cup of barley or lemon juice, to cut down all those bad stuff. And never ever ask them how it is even possible because their explanation is way more indigestible. “I read an online survey, my grandma knows best, I have proven results.”
4. Captain Confused
You might have guessed already. That one friend who would walk through every aisle of stalls, peer at every inch of the menu, even asks the waiter what’s special today and finally comes back to the table with their pet phrase - “I don’t know what to order lah.” Then, he or she checks with everyone what they ordered and once again goes a few laps around the dining space. What makes it comical is very often this fellow ends up with the most teruk-tasting food and regrets whole day long! Sucks to be them.
5. The “Irritating” Photographer
Adhering to the social media craze these days, taking photos of food and beverage is something common. But this friend of ours is in the running to complete an entire album with a platter of fish and chips. Endless photos from all sorts of angles even though the food goes cold and battery turns hot. Never nab even a single baton of fries, because if you do, you’ll be cursed to death since you ruined the next cover picture of TLC magazine. Word of warning: If they are coming over with a fully-charged DSLR and the restaurant has strong WIFI, better you eat at home.
6. The Well-Dressed Poor Man
Probably this person has several nicknames already - stingy, penny-pincher and sometimes in the heat of the moment, kedekut gila! We wonder why they don’t want to spend. Well, covering our kawan when he is short of money is no big thing but this person does have money, sometimes way more than us! For instance, when the squad is about to bring a whole Thailand to the table, this guy goes “White rice and telus bungkus enough.” Actually, we should bungkus him first. They are commonly very calculative too, unwilling to chip in for sharing platters and the history of them throwing a party is not found.
7. Anti-gravity Angel
Simple. They come on time, eat with no complaints, always enough cash to cover their bill, thank everyone for coming over and at times, even pays your bill because they feel like it. Obviously, the person to invite home when your sibling is cooking for the first time.
8. The Complicated Commander
Their order will be like - “nasi goreng seafood, kurang minyak, tak mau udang, tambah sotong, pedas lebih, telur mata atas, cili padi tepi dan cepat yea…” You could actually feel the poor waiter who is just as puzzled as you. And the best part, they will never get what they asked for! Muaahhaahaa! Which turns them into a Gordon Ramsay, making the situation a lot more interesting, if not embarrassing.
9. Gelojoh Giant
In five minutes, it's apocalypse. This is how they will eat. Stuff every meal into their mouth as soon the waiter places the platter. Offer them a bite of your burger and you’ll get back debris. Tagging along is the annoying soundtrack of burp and munch. At one point, they are super full and remembers you guys do exist.
10. The Diet Sifu
In message: “I’m only coming for the fun, will just eat something light.”
In the car (with a serious face): “I’m on sincere diet mode, need to lose 20 pounds.”
At the restaurant:
When returning home: “I’ll start tomorrow. You see lah.”
11. The Mouthmotor Foodie
Simply put, they are an asset to the gastronomic world, always on the lookout to tick a new dish off their bucket list. The one that constantly sends over hunger-inducing photos, ratings and discount vouchers to make the plan happen. All good, but since they have way more experienced than us, they can’t stop talking or suggesting! “The crepe I had in Paris was more fluffy with generous toppings but here the batter mix is wrong.” Actually, this is okay. But how about - “Eh, you sure ordering the burger here ah, last time I tried, non stop cirit-birit and vomit liao.” There goes your appetite.
Besides that, most restaurant owners and staffs know them, so we get to try new dishes for free and service is quick. And sometimes, we remind the owners, “Hey remember me ah, I’m the great foodie’s friend.”
12. The Sneak Thief
That very last piece of your favourite meat, topped with cheese and chilli sauce, to wrap up a memorable meal. And it ends up in this culprit’s tummy. Yes, it hurts. For most of the time, they just ogle at your plate and begin their mission with a common question, “Really nice meh?” which sounds to us like “I want to eat also lah!”
13. The Comfort Creature
Contrast to a foodie. We usually avoid asking them where to eat because they never look beyond their comfort zone - either famous fast food joints or the same restaurant their entire family has been religiously returning for generations. Their food order follows suit too, the same dish over and over again. Heck, we suspect that the kitchen starts to prepare their food as soon as they step in. Drag them to a new restaurant with a mind-boggling menu and look at them hem and haw.